Photo by hannah k
How to Live a Miserable Life*
Happiness is overrated. Everywhere you turn there are books and articles about how to be happier. Why bother? What's the point? Happiness doesn't get you anywhere. It doesn't buy you anything. And nobody can be happy ALL the time anyway. Why not strive for a more realistic goal...misery. The following tips will help you live a truly miserable life.
Spend all of your time working. Go in early. Stay late. Eat at your desk. DON'T socialize. And don't even THINK about taking vacation time. If you've made the mistake of getting involved with a significant other, make sure they know that work will ALWAYS come first. When you are with them, make sure to check every e-mail that comes in (this should be set up on your phone), and drop whatever you are doing to respond immediately.
Set very high expectations for those around you and make sure to let them know whenever they have not met these expectations. Do this EVERY TIME, no matter how small the transgression. Don't bother telling them when they meet your expectations-they're just doing what they're supposed to. This goes for everyone you come into contact with, regardless of what their relationship is to you. If you have children they will probably always be grounded.
While you're at it, put everyone else's needs above your own at all times. Try holding yourself to the standard of making everyone else happy. If there's ANY way you can fill a request someone makes, find a way to do it. You may need to rearrange your schedule and give up on things like sleep and hobbies (if you've made the mistake of developing hobbies), but it's worth it. Don't forget to make sure you let others know how much you're going out of your way to do things for them and to remind yourself how ungrateful they are.
Accept nothing less than perfection. In fact, set high expectations for every aspect of your life and really focus on anything that falls short. All of the things that are wrong in your life should always be in the back of your mind, no matter what else you're doing. Never let down your guard or relax. If you're not having stressful or upsetting dreams, you're probably doing it wrong.
If you follow these tips, you'll be on your way to a miserable life in no time! If I forgot any important steps, you should make sure to let me know in the comments section. It's good practice.
*Recent research has shown that sarcasm is related to intelligence and creativity. This article was brought to you in the spirit of making you smarter and more creative :)