Psychology Tip of the Day: Increase Relaxation

Try combining deep breathing with the intentional release of muscle tension to increase relaxation and further reduce tension.

For information on anxiety treatment, click here.

Understanding Tweens

Understanding Tweens

Where did the time go? It may seem like just yesterday your child was learning to read, playing with dolls, and eager to hold your hand in public. Now you get an eye-roll and a sigh every time you talk. Suddenly, your child is acting like a teenager. You thought you had several years before the teen attitude kicked in. What happened?

Rise of the “Tween”

The teenage years are commonly dreaded by parents as a time when they can expect their once sweet child to become argumentative, moody, and difficult to manage. While the terms “adolescent” and “teenager” are often used interchangeably, they do not always exactly coincide. In fact, in the past few decades arguments have been made that adolescence lasts well into the twenties for many people.

Just as adolescence appears to be lasting longer, it also seems to be starting earlier. This is true for both the physical and behavioral changes of adolescence. Recent years have seen the development of a new in-between group: “tweens." Tweens are usually eight to twelve years-old. Biological, social, and cultural influences have all contributed to the rise of the tween as a distinct group.

Biologically, puberty  is starting earlier (a process known as The Secular Trend.) Social and cultural factors include marketing and advertising geared toward this age group that encourage more mature behaviors and interests and the pull to fit in with peers as friendships begin to take precedence over family relationships.

These factors have combined as well as separate impacts on development, resulting in wide variation among children in this age range, with some remaining very childlike, and others seeming to turn into teenagers almost overnight. No longer children, and not yet teenagers, tweens often present with a confusing, and sometimes disturbing, combination of child-like and adult or teenager-like behaviors.

Taking Perspective

Early in my career, I ran a social skills group for eight to ten year old girls. One of the girls in the group was clearly a tween. She looked and acted more like a teenager than the other girls. She carried a purse, wore lip gloss, and talked about how much she loved the latest teen heartthrob. And she challenged my authority from day one.

It soon became clear that I was not the only person she challenged; her parents went out of their way to warn me about how difficult and manipulative their daughter was. This warning helped me to see my tween group member in a different light, which in turn led me to a different approach in my interactions with her. I realized that she probably received a lot of negative attention in her environment and was likely not taken seriously.

So I started to listen to her and used a more flexible approach to dealing with her. I dropped my "because I'm the doctor/adult and I said so" attitude. I compromised. This does not mean I let her take over; there were still rules. But once she felt like she mattered and her opinion counted, she was willing to compromise, too. She opened up, and by the last group session, I was sad to see her go. Despite her initially difficult presentation, she contributed a lot to the group and genuinely seemed to care about the other group members. Deep down, she was still a child who was hungry for positive attention—wherever she could get it.

Parents often mistakenly believe that once their child begins to act like a teenager, all is lost. Not so! With the right tools and a different outlook on your child’s behavior, you can learn to enjoy life during the tween years and beyond.

What You Can Do

• Learn to talk, and listen, to your tween. Try to avoid judging or criticizing. You might be surprised what you learn!

• Have rules, but be willing to compromise on some details. Practice problem solving to look for solutions you can both live with.

• Look for opportunities to give your tween attention for positive behaviors.

• Remember that, even though tweens try act like an adults, they don’t really think like adults; they still have immature brains and a lot of cognitive development ahead of them.

Remember, every developmental stage brings it's own unique set of challenges, and the tween years are no exception. While it can be sad to see one stage end, it can also be exciting to see the next unfold. With patience and understanding, you can learn to love interactions with your tween.

Concerned About Your Tween's Anxiety or Behavior?  The tween years can surface anxiety, OCD symptoms, and challenging behaviors that benefit from professional support. As a clinical psychologist specializing in child and adolescent anxiety, I help parents and tweens navigate this stage with confidence.  I offer telehealth sessions across Texas — no commute required. If you're wondering whether your tween might benefit from therapy or parent coaching, I invite you to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. 

Schedule a Free Q&A Call

'If your tween is showing signs of anxiety or OCD, read more about teen counseling.
For information on parenting therapy, click here.

Psychology Tip of the Day: Unplug your TV to unwind

Watching television may seem like a good way to relax, but it may actually have a negative impact on your physical and psychological health. Try rating your mood before and after watching television. Compare this to your mood before and after engaging in other relaxing activities, such as reading, talking to friends, taking a walk, or taking a bath. How does the effect of watching television compare to these other activities?

Psychology tip of the day: Half-smile to lift your mood

When you're in a bad mood, try half smiling. You may find your mood begin to lift, and even get a few smiles in return! Try the exercises in this handout for more ideas for when to practice your half-smile.

Psychology Tip of the Day: Help Your Child Breathe Slower

Help children breathe slower by coaching them through the process. As they breathe, say, "Breathe in...2...3...4...and out...2...3..4..." Repeat several times.

For information on child counseling, click here.

Psychology Tip of the Day: Breathe Slowly

Deep breathing works better when it's done slowly. Slow your breaths down by counting slowly to four as you inhale and again as you exhale. To slow your breaths even more, hold for an additional count of four between in and out breaths.

Psychology Tip of the Day: Teach Deep Breathing to Your Children

Children can benefit from deep breathing, too. Teach your child how to breathe deeply  by having him lie on his back with a toy on his stomach and practice making the toy rise with each deep breath.

Psychology Tip of the Day: Breathe Deeply

Deep breathing is a great way to trigger your body's relaxation response, but it can take practice to do effectively. Try putting one hand on your chest and the other hand on your stomach and take a deep breath. Which hand rises when you breathe in? Most people find that the hand on their chest rises. Chest breathing is not the best way to relax.  To deep breathe for relaxation, breathe so that the hand on your stomach rises and falls with each breath. This is also known as belly-breathing or diaphragmatic breathing.

The Impact of "Helicopter Parenting"

The Impact of "Helicopter Parenting"

As a parent, you love your children and want only what's best for them. There's nothing wrong with that, right? After all, isn't it your job as a parent to protect and provide for your child? The answer isn't as straightforward as you might think. Protecting and providing for your children are, of course, two of your most important jobs as a parent. But what's in your child's best interest may not always be for your child to have only the best. In fact, it probably isn't. In recent years, professionals have increasingly noticed the impact "over-parenting," or what has come to be colloquially termed "helicopter parenting." Helicopter parents are over-protective. They want to make sure their children never experience discomfort. They rush to their children's rescue whenever an unpleasant situation arises, whether it be at school, with friends, or in public. Sometimes they even go so far as to try to protect their adult children by running interference with their "unfair" bosses. They do everything in their power to make sure that all obstacles are removed from their children's way, preferably before their children have to deal with them. They take their jobs of protecting and providing very seriously. But they're forgetting one of the most important tasks of parenting, and it's having long-term negative effects.

Many parents today are losing sight of the task of  raising children who are competent and effective adults. In trying to protect their children from everything, they are preventing them from learning the skills they need to become competent adults; skills such as problem solving,  tolerating distress, and persevering in the face of adversity. When  parents do all of the problem-solving for their children and make problems magically go away, and they inadvertantly send their children the messages that 1) They should never experience negative emotions, 2) Life should be fair and they shouldn't have to deal with unpleasant situations, and 3) They can't tolerate distress or deal with unpleasant situations. After all, if they could, why would their parents have to handle all of their problems for them?

When children have the opportunity to deal with mildly distressing situations, especially within a safe environment, they learn that they can handle distress and be okay. They build their own defenses against negative emotions, much like the immune system builds defenses against pathogens; a safe level of exposure builds immunity. This process, known as "emotional inoculation," builds psychological immunity.

Well-meaning parents are robbing their children of the opportunity to learn and practice skills for handling unpleasant situations at a time in their lives when it is safest for them to do so. Their children are growing into adults who don't know how to handle their own problems and don't think they should have to, who believe life should be easy and they should always be happy, and who wonder what's wrong with them that their lives are not easy and they are not always happy. Their unreasonable expectations of the world are making them anxious. They are shocked when faced with real-life challenges, and struggle to learn skills that they should have learned as children so that they can become effective adults.

So what's a parent to do? Remember that people (yes, even children) learn best from their own experiences. Your job as a protector is still important; continue to protect your children from truly dangerous situations and situations that have the potential for long-term negative consequences, but don't protect them from every minor road-block. Empathize with your child if they are upset, but don't try to fix the problem for them or tell them not to have those feelings. Work with your child to help them generate solutions for dealing with problems on their own when feasible. Provide guidance around issues that are important to you, but give your child room to develop his or her own opinions. And sometimes, allow your children to make choices that you don't necessarily agree with (as long as they're not in any real danger from doing so), so that they can learn from their own experiences.

For more tips on helping your child deal with failure, check out this parenting.com article.

For more on information about research on the impact of helicopter parenting, check out this Psychology Today article.

Psychology Tip of the Day: Remember to Breathe

People often "forget" to breathe when the are stressed or upset; they hold their breaths or breathe shallowly, reducing their blood-oxygen level. This can increase feelings of anxiety and tension and make it more difficult to manage the situation effectively. Next time you're faced with a stressful or upsetting situation, check to make sure you're not "forgetting" to breathe.

For more information on anxiety treatment, contact me.