Help for the Holidays

Help for the Holidays

The holiday season is in full swing. Signs of it greet us everywhere; decorations line the streets and fill the stores and Christmas music fills the air. While the holidays have a reputation for being a time of joy, for many people they are a source of increased stress or even depression. If you find yourself feeling less than joyous this holiday season and are wondering why, you’re not alone. Keep reading to better understand the sources of holiday stress and what you can do to improve your holiday experience. One of the biggest sources of stress is the increased demand on resources that we already feel are limited: our money and our time. ‘Tis the season for gifts and social gatherings. While these may be sources of happiness, they can also strain our resources. Finding the money in an already tight budget to buy gifts and participate in festivities, or the time in an already tight schedule to locate the perfect gift or attend parties, can feel like a burden.

Striking a balance between our work and home lives seems both more important and more difficult at this time of year. While social demands are increasing, work demands may stay the same or increase. Salaried employees may find they need to complete the same amount of work, or more, in a shorter amount of time because of work parties or days off. For hourly employees, taking time off to meet social demands means less income at a time of increased expenses. Those with children may need to arrange for childcare while they work and the children are out of school. These demands can feel overwhelming.

Another major source of negative emotions this season is the difference between our expectations and the reality of our experiences. Common expectations include giving and receiving gifts, spending time with friends and family, and enjoying ourselves. We expect things to be happy and perfect, and when they fall short of our expectations, we feel disappointed. This disappointment can be particularly strong for people who have lost a loved one in the last year, lack social support, have to work on holidays, or have recently lost significant portion of their income.

So what can you do to manage the inevitable stresses of this season with your sanity intact (and maybe even enjoy yourself)? Assessing your priorities and focusing on the true meaning of the season is a great place to start. A friend of mine does this by doing something special with her family each day of December. Possible activities may include baking, holiday decorating, playing games, watching holiday movies, and looking at neighborhood holiday displays. She also limits the number of gifts or amount of money spent on gifts. These strategies help shift her children’s focus toward quality time and away from materialism. To promote the spirit of giving, try volunteering at a shelter or soup kitchen, or donating or wrapping gifts for families in need.

Additional strategies:

• Give yourself permission to not be perfect.

• Take at least a few minutes a day to de-stress (e.g. taking a bath, exercising, or talking to a friend).

•  Make a list of things that need to be done and things that can wait.

• Write down the things you appreciate in your life. Review and add to the list daily.

• Set clear boundaries with others.

• Remember that kids pick up on their parents’ emotions.

• If you feel overwhelmed, consider seeking professional help.

Psychology Tip of the Day: Setting Goals Can Be a Balancing Act

Looking to make a change? Take a lesson from the playground. Setting goals effectively can be a bit like a seesaw or a swing; you don't want to start at the top. Whether you have a large ambitious goal (like running a marathon) or a less defined desire to change something (like a desire to be healthier), you may benefit by starting low and ending high. Stay tuned to find out why.

Book Review: "What to Do" Guides for Kids: What to Do When...

...your temper flares...your brain gets stuck...you dread your bed...you grumble too much...you worry too much...bad habits take hold.

"The What to Do" Guides are a series of books by psychologist Dr. Dawn Huebner for helping children deal with a variety of problems ranging from every day difficulties, like how to respond to anger, to diagnosable problems, like OCD.

Did you know that your body is like a car that you need to learn how to steer, worries are like tomatoes that grow when they're fed, and disappointments are like hurdles to be jumped? By the time you're done with these books, you will! Using these and other similarly accessible analogies, Dr. Huebner brings the concepts of cognitive behavioral therapy to life, making them easy to understand and fun to practice.

The first few chapters of each book explain the problem to be addressed and set the stage for starting to make changes. You'll notice that they do not force your child to take ownership of having a problem (which can be really threatening to kids--and many adults), but explain the problem in general terms and then ask the child to consider whether they (or other people they know) ever experience these problems. The explanations make it easy for most children to accept their difficulties and give them hope that they can improve. The following chapters teach new skills, usually one per chapter, and provide exercises to practice each skill.

If you do the exercises and practice them regularly, you'll notice a difference. Resist the temptation to read through the whole book at once with your child. Remember, lasting changes take time and practice. When I use these books in my practice, I start by either reading the first few chapters in session or having parents read them with their kids at home. After that, we work on about one new skill per week. If a family is struggling with a skill, we may stay on it for a few weeks until the new skill takes hold. In between learning new skills, children and parents are instructed to spend the week practicing each skill at home. (Be prepared, parents play a major role here.) If problems come up with practice, we discuss those in session.

These books are written for children between the ages of six and twelve to be read with their parents or another adult. The concepts may seem simple, but they're supported by tons of research demonstrating that they work. Cognitive behavioral therapy is one of the most researched types of therapy, and one of the most effective for many areas of difficulty. I highly recommend these books to both parents and other professionals who work with children.

Mental Health vs. Mental Illness

Mental Health vs. Mental Illness

I've never met a single person who could not benefit from the knowledge of a psychologist at some point. Does that mean I think everyone is mentally ill? Not even close. Does it mean I think everyone needs to see a psychologist? Not necessarily. (It also doesn't mean I analyze everyone I meet!) What it does mean is this: psychology applies to everyone, and the distinction between mental health and mental illness is not always clear-cut.

While we've all grown to accept varying degrees of physical health, people often think of mental health as an either-or situation; either you're mentally healthy, or you're mentally ill (and if you're seeking help, you're "crazy"). Not so! Mental health, like physical health, exists on a continuum. Psychological knowledge can help with all points on the continuum, from prevention to treatment and relapse prevention.

Some physical and mental health concerns are relatively minor and may clear on their own; some are more serious, but generally respond to treatment; and some  are chronic and need ongoing care. Some need medication to be treated, while some can be treated without medication. Some can be treated with either medication or lifestyle changes, and some respond best to a combination of medication and lifestyle changes.

Biology and genetics play a role in the development of both mental and physical difficulties, but so does your environment. You don't have to be "sick" to get help or learn to take care of yourself mentally or physically. As they say, sometimes an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure! Even with minor problems, learning effective ways to deal with them now can help reduce the chances of them becoming problems again in the future or developing into something more severe. That goes for children as well as adults.

There's a lot of information (and misinformation) out there to help people learn to manage their mental and physical health on there own. There are many great resources (some of which I will periodically review on this blog) for learning new skills to increase your mental health at home. These resources have many advantages: they're cost-effective, they're even more private than therapy, and they can be done at your convenience. I highly recommend them, but sometimes they're not enough.

One distinction that still remains between mental and physical health is the stigma. Once upon a time, people only went to doctors when they were sick. Once upon a time cancer was something people were ashamed of. We understand our bodies better now. We can accept that it's not always possible to stay healthy, no matter how hard we try, and that it's nothing to be ashamed of. Why not give our mental and emotional health the same consideration when the mental and physical are so closely connected?

At some point, we all experience mental and physical health challenges. They  may be relatively minor. They may clear on their own. Or they may be more serious. But seeking help for them does not mean you've given in to being sick; it means you want to figure out how to be the healthiest you you can be! Why struggle when there's help available?

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Psychology tip of the day: Half-smile to lift your mood

When you're in a bad mood, try half smiling. You may find your mood begin to lift, and even get a few smiles in return! Try the exercises in this handout for more ideas for when to practice your half-smile.

New Year…New You?

New Year…New You?

The stress of the holiday season is behind us, and we’ve rung in a new year. The beginning of a new year is a reminder for us to reflect on the year that’s passed and make plans for the year to come. Many people take this opportunity to make New Year’s resolutions. With our expanding waistlines, shrinking bank accounts, and recently high stress levels from the holiday season, we vow that next year we will eat healthier, lose weight, save more money, and take time to relax. And if you’re like most people who make New Year’s resolutions, you’ve probably made the same ones year after year with little change. Surveys repeatedly show that the majority of New Year’s resolutions fail soon after they are made. So how can you make this year different? First, if you’re planning on overhauling your life, think again. Thinking that your life will be completely different this year if you make enough resolutions is a recipe for disaster. If there are a lot of changes you’d like to make, create a list and prioritize. Decide which are the most important for you to start with and which can wait for later. Tackling your goals one or two at a time will help you stay on track. Setting too many goals at once increases the risk that you will become overwhelmed and give up. Recent research also shows that willpower is like a muscle; you only have so much strength in it on any given day, but exercising it consistently helps it to increasein strength over time. Setting too many goals at once makes it more likely that you will exhaust your stores of willpower early in the day, which increases the likelihood of setbacks. It may also decrease your tolerance for daily frustrations, which can make you feel more stressed (and probably make you less enjoyable to be around).

Once you’ve created your list, the following tips can help you make meaningful changes this year, and maybe even save you from breaking the same promise to yourself again this year and next:

• Start small. Choose one or two resolutions to begin with. Once you’ve met those goals, you can focus on other ones.

• Set specific goals with measurable outcomes. Instead of saying, for example, that you want to eat healthier, you could make a goal of eating five servings of fruit and vegetables a day or only eating red meat once a week. If you want to lose weight, you could set a specific amount of weight and a time frame in which to do it.

• Break down each goal into smaller steps, and give yourself a small reward for completing these steps. This will help you stay on track and motivated.

• Expect setbacks. Changing patterns is hard work, and real change takes time. If you view setbacks as failures, you’re more likely to give up the goal entirely. Eating one piece of chocolate cake doesn’t mean you’ve blown your diet and might as well eat the rest of the cake. If you view setbacks as temporary bumps in the road, you’re more likely to stay on track.

• Focus on the benefits of meeting your goals rather than the problems with failure. People who focus on the benefits of making a change are more likely to stick with their goals than those who focus on the negative.

• Ask yourself why you want to make this change. What will be different if you make this change? On a 10 point scale, how motivated are you to change? What would make you more motivated?

• Consider enlisting help or support from trusted friends or loved ones.

Remember, there’s nothing magical about a new year. You can set resolutions any day and they will be just as meaningful. People feel compelled to make resolutions on New Year’s Day, but often these resolutions are more like putting wishes into the universe that something will be different next year and hoping it will magically come true. What’s the harm in that? Repeatedly breaking your resolutions may be doing more harm than good. Breaking promises to ourselves negatively impacts our self-view, including our belief that we are capable of actually making these changes. So, if your resolutions are important to you, consider waiting to make them until you’ve made a plan of action that you are motivated to enact. Otherwise, consider skipping the resolutions this year.