Help for the Holidays

Help for the Holidays

The holiday season is in full swing. Signs of it greet us everywhere; decorations line the streets and fill the stores and Christmas music fills the air. While the holidays have a reputation for being a time of joy, for many people they are a source of increased stress or even depression. If you find yourself feeling less than joyous this holiday season and are wondering why, you’re not alone. Keep reading to better understand the sources of holiday stress and what you can do to improve your holiday experience. One of the biggest sources of stress is the increased demand on resources that we already feel are limited: our money and our time. ‘Tis the season for gifts and social gatherings. While these may be sources of happiness, they can also strain our resources. Finding the money in an already tight budget to buy gifts and participate in festivities, or the time in an already tight schedule to locate the perfect gift or attend parties, can feel like a burden.

Striking a balance between our work and home lives seems both more important and more difficult at this time of year. While social demands are increasing, work demands may stay the same or increase. Salaried employees may find they need to complete the same amount of work, or more, in a shorter amount of time because of work parties or days off. For hourly employees, taking time off to meet social demands means less income at a time of increased expenses. Those with children may need to arrange for childcare while they work and the children are out of school. These demands can feel overwhelming.

Another major source of negative emotions this season is the difference between our expectations and the reality of our experiences. Common expectations include giving and receiving gifts, spending time with friends and family, and enjoying ourselves. We expect things to be happy and perfect, and when they fall short of our expectations, we feel disappointed. This disappointment can be particularly strong for people who have lost a loved one in the last year, lack social support, have to work on holidays, or have recently lost significant portion of their income.

So what can you do to manage the inevitable stresses of this season with your sanity intact (and maybe even enjoy yourself)? Assessing your priorities and focusing on the true meaning of the season is a great place to start. A friend of mine does this by doing something special with her family each day of December. Possible activities may include baking, holiday decorating, playing games, watching holiday movies, and looking at neighborhood holiday displays. She also limits the number of gifts or amount of money spent on gifts. These strategies help shift her children’s focus toward quality time and away from materialism. To promote the spirit of giving, try volunteering at a shelter or soup kitchen, or donating or wrapping gifts for families in need.

Additional strategies:

• Give yourself permission to not be perfect.

• Take at least a few minutes a day to de-stress (e.g. taking a bath, exercising, or talking to a friend).

•  Make a list of things that need to be done and things that can wait.

• Write down the things you appreciate in your life. Review and add to the list daily.

• Set clear boundaries with others.

• Remember that kids pick up on their parents’ emotions.

• If you feel overwhelmed, consider seeking professional help.

Book Review: The Kazdin Method...

Have you ever wished you had a guidebook for your child? Thanks to Dr. Alan Kazdin, you can have the next best thing. As a parent, you will get a lot of (often unsolicited!) advice, much of it conflicting. It can be difficult to know who to listen to or what to do. You may find yourself trying all of it and getting more confused, and frustrated, in the process. It may start to seem like nothing works with your child.

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. Even parents who seek professional advice may find themselves confused and frustrated by a lack of progress. The good news is that there is A LOT of research on how to manage childhood behavior problems and get your child's behavior on track. In this book, The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child with No Pills, No Therapy, No Contest of Wills, Alan Kazdin, Ph.D. summarizes much of the research on effective parenting, explains why common parenting wisdom often fails, and provides parents with real-life examples and guidance for developing a behavior plan for their own child(ren).

Research consistently demonstrates that parent training is one of the most effective ways to manage childhood behavior (even outside of the home). Not only has it been proven to help parents teach their children to behave better, but also to improve the parent-child relationship, reduce parenting stress, and improve mental health for both parents and children. Even if your child is not overly defiant, the approach outlined in this book can help you manage common child behavior challenges with less frustration.

If you're looking for a proven method for managing your child's behavior that you can learn and implement from the comfort of your own home, this is the book for you. If you continue to have difficulty after trying this approach, or want additional guidance and support in implementing the method, look for a psychologist who is familiar with the technique.

For more information on parenting therapy, click here.

Children's Television Programming is Not Necessarily Child-Friendly

You like to think of yourself as a good, conscientious parent. You try to protect your child from the negative influences of the media. You don't allow your kids to play violent video games (or play these games in front of them) and you only allow them to watch television shows designed for children. You may even only watch adult television and movies after they go to bed. But if you think the television shows and movies your child is watching are safe choices because they're designed for children, you may want to think again.

Have you noticed that many children's programs today, even cartoons, seem more racy or advanced than programs of the past? I sure have. I've been borderline shocked at some of the things I've seen on shows supposedly meant for kids. Sometimes it almost seems as if they are written to keep parents interested instead of just children!

It's tempting to try to rationalize this as "just how things are now" or "obviously okay because they're kids shows." But think about who's writing these shows. Most of the time it's someone who is trying to sell programming, not necessarily someone who understands children's developmental needs.

Research shows that developmentally inappropriate shows are related to a variety of difficulties in children from increased aggression and violent behaviors to difficulty sleeping.  You may be shocked to learn that children are exposed to an average of 20-25 acts of violence per hour  on Saturday morning children's shows. Exposure to media violence (even in cartoons) has been repeatedly linked to increased aggression.

Growing up, I remember thinking it was weird when my brother, who's about three years younger than me, got nightmares from watching Scooby Doo. It turns out he wasn't so strange after all :) Cartoons such as Buggs Bunny, Scooby Doo, and Sponge Bob Square Pants have been linked to problems sleeping in preschoolers, but are much more acceptable for 8 or 9 year-olds. Sleeping problems have been associated with behavior problems, weight problems, and poor school performance.

So what can you do?

• Be aware of the content of the shows your child is watching and think about whether what is on the show really seems appropriate for their age. If you're unsure, you might want to skip that show.

• For children under five, choose shows that are geared toward very young children (think Sesame Street and Dora the Explorer). Even shows geared toward a slightly older age can cause problems.

• If you are concerned with your child's behavior or sleep patterns, consider switching them to younger programming.

• Sit with your child while they watch shows and discuss what you are seeing to help them understand and process it. If you see something you don't like, explain why it's problematic (e.g., "He was mad and he  hit her, but hitting is not a good way to solve problems. The right way to handle it is to use your words. What could he have said?")

• Realize that what is appropriate for your child might seem really boring to you!

For more information, check out the following links:

Children and media violence:  http://actagainstviolence.apa.org/mediaviolence/index.html’

Children's programming and sleep problems:  http://pedzzz.blogspot.com/2012/08/study-kids-who-watch-age-appropriate-tv.html

Parenting therapy page.

Book Review: "What to Do" Guides for Kids: What to Do When...

...your temper flares...your brain gets stuck...you dread your bed...you grumble too much...you worry too much...bad habits take hold.

"The What to Do" Guides are a series of books by psychologist Dr. Dawn Huebner for helping children deal with a variety of problems ranging from every day difficulties, like how to respond to anger, to diagnosable problems, like OCD.

Did you know that your body is like a car that you need to learn how to steer, worries are like tomatoes that grow when they're fed, and disappointments are like hurdles to be jumped? By the time you're done with these books, you will! Using these and other similarly accessible analogies, Dr. Huebner brings the concepts of cognitive behavioral therapy to life, making them easy to understand and fun to practice.

The first few chapters of each book explain the problem to be addressed and set the stage for starting to make changes. You'll notice that they do not force your child to take ownership of having a problem (which can be really threatening to kids--and many adults), but explain the problem in general terms and then ask the child to consider whether they (or other people they know) ever experience these problems. The explanations make it easy for most children to accept their difficulties and give them hope that they can improve. The following chapters teach new skills, usually one per chapter, and provide exercises to practice each skill.

If you do the exercises and practice them regularly, you'll notice a difference. Resist the temptation to read through the whole book at once with your child. Remember, lasting changes take time and practice. When I use these books in my practice, I start by either reading the first few chapters in session or having parents read them with their kids at home. After that, we work on about one new skill per week. If a family is struggling with a skill, we may stay on it for a few weeks until the new skill takes hold. In between learning new skills, children and parents are instructed to spend the week practicing each skill at home. (Be prepared, parents play a major role here.) If problems come up with practice, we discuss those in session.

These books are written for children between the ages of six and twelve to be read with their parents or another adult. The concepts may seem simple, but they're supported by tons of research demonstrating that they work. Cognitive behavioral therapy is one of the most researched types of therapy, and one of the most effective for many areas of difficulty. I highly recommend these books to both parents and other professionals who work with children.

Mental Health vs. Mental Illness

Mental Health vs. Mental Illness

I've never met a single person who could not benefit from the knowledge of a psychologist at some point. Does that mean I think everyone is mentally ill? Not even close. Does it mean I think everyone needs to see a psychologist? Not necessarily. (It also doesn't mean I analyze everyone I meet!) What it does mean is this: psychology applies to everyone, and the distinction between mental health and mental illness is not always clear-cut.

While we've all grown to accept varying degrees of physical health, people often think of mental health as an either-or situation; either you're mentally healthy, or you're mentally ill (and if you're seeking help, you're "crazy"). Not so! Mental health, like physical health, exists on a continuum. Psychological knowledge can help with all points on the continuum, from prevention to treatment and relapse prevention.

Some physical and mental health concerns are relatively minor and may clear on their own; some are more serious, but generally respond to treatment; and some  are chronic and need ongoing care. Some need medication to be treated, while some can be treated without medication. Some can be treated with either medication or lifestyle changes, and some respond best to a combination of medication and lifestyle changes.

Biology and genetics play a role in the development of both mental and physical difficulties, but so does your environment. You don't have to be "sick" to get help or learn to take care of yourself mentally or physically. As they say, sometimes an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure! Even with minor problems, learning effective ways to deal with them now can help reduce the chances of them becoming problems again in the future or developing into something more severe. That goes for children as well as adults.

There's a lot of information (and misinformation) out there to help people learn to manage their mental and physical health on there own. There are many great resources (some of which I will periodically review on this blog) for learning new skills to increase your mental health at home. These resources have many advantages: they're cost-effective, they're even more private than therapy, and they can be done at your convenience. I highly recommend them, but sometimes they're not enough.

One distinction that still remains between mental and physical health is the stigma. Once upon a time, people only went to doctors when they were sick. Once upon a time cancer was something people were ashamed of. We understand our bodies better now. We can accept that it's not always possible to stay healthy, no matter how hard we try, and that it's nothing to be ashamed of. Why not give our mental and emotional health the same consideration when the mental and physical are so closely connected?

At some point, we all experience mental and physical health challenges. They  may be relatively minor. They may clear on their own. Or they may be more serious. But seeking help for them does not mean you've given in to being sick; it means you want to figure out how to be the healthiest you you can be! Why struggle when there's help available?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5qWP-EMSRQ]

Psychology Tip of the Day: Track Positive Events

Keeping track of positive events is a great way to improve your mood. Each day,  make a list of every positive event that occurred that day. Nothing is too small to count for this exercise. Did you enjoy the weather? That counts! Did you hear a song on the radio that you really liked? That counts! Did you find your keys that you thought were lost? That counts!

Some people also like to think of this as counting their blessings or keeping track of what they have to be grateful for. Whatever you want to call it, add up those positives, and watch your mood improve!

Check out this article for more insights on the power of gratitude.

Psychology Tip of the Day: Take a Break

In our go-go-go world, it can be hard to find time to relax. Worse yet, many people find themselves feeling guilty or anxious about taking time to unwind. If you feel like you need to be productive all the time, give yourself permission to take a break. Not only will you feel better, but research shows that taking small breaks (e.g., 5 minutes out of an hour) actually helps you to be more productive when you are working.

Psychology Tip of the Day: Be Present

Have you ever noticed that your mind is rarely where you are? We're usually either thinking about what we've already done, what we plan to do, or what we wish we'd done differently. This can detract from truly experiencing your life, and can result in negative emotions. Try taking some time each day to be present in the moment. During this time, try to really focus on what you are doing. Notice all of the sensations you are experiencing. Try not to judge your experience. When you find your mind wandering, gently bring it back to the present. Try not to get frustrated by your wandering mind. Just notice it and move on. The more you practice, the less you'll find your mind wandering, and the easier it will be to be present in any given moment.

This practice, also known as mindfulness, can help you to feel more centered and help to manage negative emotions such as distress about the past or anxiety about the future. Research also shows that even short periods of daily mindfulness practice may lead to positive changes in brain structure. Click here for more information about how mindfulness positively impacts your brain and mental health.

For information on anxiety treatment, click here.

Psychology Tip of the Day: Teach Deep Breathing to Your Children

Children can benefit from deep breathing, too. Teach your child how to breathe deeply  by having him lie on his back with a toy on his stomach and practice making the toy rise with each deep breath.

The Impact of "Helicopter Parenting"

The Impact of "Helicopter Parenting"

As a parent, you love your children and want only what's best for them. There's nothing wrong with that, right? After all, isn't it your job as a parent to protect and provide for your child? The answer isn't as straightforward as you might think. Protecting and providing for your children are, of course, two of your most important jobs as a parent. But what's in your child's best interest may not always be for your child to have only the best. In fact, it probably isn't. In recent years, professionals have increasingly noticed the impact "over-parenting," or what has come to be colloquially termed "helicopter parenting." Helicopter parents are over-protective. They want to make sure their children never experience discomfort. They rush to their children's rescue whenever an unpleasant situation arises, whether it be at school, with friends, or in public. Sometimes they even go so far as to try to protect their adult children by running interference with their "unfair" bosses. They do everything in their power to make sure that all obstacles are removed from their children's way, preferably before their children have to deal with them. They take their jobs of protecting and providing very seriously. But they're forgetting one of the most important tasks of parenting, and it's having long-term negative effects.

Many parents today are losing sight of the task of  raising children who are competent and effective adults. In trying to protect their children from everything, they are preventing them from learning the skills they need to become competent adults; skills such as problem solving,  tolerating distress, and persevering in the face of adversity. When  parents do all of the problem-solving for their children and make problems magically go away, and they inadvertantly send their children the messages that 1) They should never experience negative emotions, 2) Life should be fair and they shouldn't have to deal with unpleasant situations, and 3) They can't tolerate distress or deal with unpleasant situations. After all, if they could, why would their parents have to handle all of their problems for them?

When children have the opportunity to deal with mildly distressing situations, especially within a safe environment, they learn that they can handle distress and be okay. They build their own defenses against negative emotions, much like the immune system builds defenses against pathogens; a safe level of exposure builds immunity. This process, known as "emotional inoculation," builds psychological immunity.

Well-meaning parents are robbing their children of the opportunity to learn and practice skills for handling unpleasant situations at a time in their lives when it is safest for them to do so. Their children are growing into adults who don't know how to handle their own problems and don't think they should have to, who believe life should be easy and they should always be happy, and who wonder what's wrong with them that their lives are not easy and they are not always happy. Their unreasonable expectations of the world are making them anxious. They are shocked when faced with real-life challenges, and struggle to learn skills that they should have learned as children so that they can become effective adults.

So what's a parent to do? Remember that people (yes, even children) learn best from their own experiences. Your job as a protector is still important; continue to protect your children from truly dangerous situations and situations that have the potential for long-term negative consequences, but don't protect them from every minor road-block. Empathize with your child if they are upset, but don't try to fix the problem for them or tell them not to have those feelings. Work with your child to help them generate solutions for dealing with problems on their own when feasible. Provide guidance around issues that are important to you, but give your child room to develop his or her own opinions. And sometimes, allow your children to make choices that you don't necessarily agree with (as long as they're not in any real danger from doing so), so that they can learn from their own experiences.

For more tips on helping your child deal with failure, check out this parenting.com article.

For more on information about research on the impact of helicopter parenting, check out this Psychology Today article.